Because women need to get married on Valentines Day

Published February 10, 2010 Women Leave a Comment
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When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Valentines Day is a bit of a mixed bag.

Lets get one thing straight. It’s not chic.  don’t care how many times Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway appear in films with this title, no one can make Valentines Day chic. It has that whole ‘Hallmark holiday’ sting now, and after the Simpsons did their rendition of ‘Love Day’, Valentines Day has well and truly fallen into a bottomless well of ‘daggy’. Valentines day means disgusting fluffy toys that have traded what little dignity they had for “I wuv woo” red satin cushions. It means velveteen roses and cheap silver plated heart jewellery. It is kitsch at its absolute worst (except perhaps for Venetian Christs on gondola lanterns).

Having said that, it does have the advantage of giving clear signals and overpriced opportunities to poor guys who REALY don’t get the whole romance thing and just don’t know what to do for the rest of the year. A nice chunk of cash spent on Valentines Day on a huge bunch of roses WILL actually go a long way.

Then of course there is the inevitable Valentines day argument. So many pent-up expectations (her – expensive jewellery, him – hot sex) and then the friend at the next cubicle at work who is three years younger than you, gets proposed to by her six month old boyfriend using a sky writing aeroplane to land her a rock on her finger the size of her ego.

So, why… WHY do women want to MARRY on this day. The flowers will cost you more than flowers ever will at any other time, and the last thing people want to do on that day is think about YOUR relationships. Theyre all pissed off about their gifts and unmet expectations. Surely you’re not just trying to out do the girl with the sky writing boyfriend?

I do think that is it – at the end of the day – Valentines day is all about women competing with each other to show off how deeply nabbed their boyfriend is.  With women, it always come back to competing with each other.

In romance novels, there is some Valentines Day acknowledgement, however for the most part, romance, hot sex and fulfilling emotional connection are de rigeur so the need for one specific day where this all gets handled is non existent. And that is why, deep down, women wish the world were like that.

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Because men think not doing the house work is practical

Published February 4, 2010 Men , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Accursed from their birth they be

Who seek to find monogamy,

Pursuing it from bed to bed-

I think they would be better dead

Dorothy Parker

Because men think not doing the housework is practical

I was in a group of women the other day who were all asking why their men can’t see that the house work has to be done. A very sweet man was working nearby who turned and said
it’s just that we’re so practical that we know it will get dirty again, and therefore we don’t see why it needs to be done.”

Now, despite this being the strangest use of “logic” I have ever headed, I need to confess that I have heard me say it before. Of course, it doesn’t apply to their car – it’s just going to get dirty – it doesn’t apply to their body – they still take showers – they mow the grass – it’s just going to grow back – so why is this thought to be a form of regular maintenance, but vacuuming, changing the sheets or, heaven forbid, cleaning the toilet, is not thought to be necessary?

Could it be as simple as men don’t want to do women’s work? Is the problem with the housework that it is not the ‘domain of men’? It doesn’t reinforce masculinity therefore it is not a job that they want to do. Is it another example of men thinking it will turn them gay?

We have seen in earlier posts in this blog that men have to reinforce their masculinity all the time, presumably out of a fear that it is going t just float away. Perhaps cleaning the house is just way too much of a threat to the dedicate balance of keeping them from turning into women.

Is it just laziness? I don’t think is just laziness, because they will spend hours cleaning their car, and they will happily vacuum and use a spray glass cleaner on their car. But ask them to do carpets and windows at home, and you may as well be asking them to grow breasts and be the ‘bitch’ for all the other men in the street.

In romance novels, the men happily and comfortably clean their own bachelor pads and then will clean the house with the woman once they have established a relationship and gotten their lives intertwined with each other. Women love men who realise that they have hopes and dreams as well, plans they want to realise and that doing the housework is not fun for anyone, and just needs to be done in the course of the day, like all the other little daily maintenance chores that keep us alive and functioning.

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Because women are flatterd when a married man wants to pick them up

Published February 4, 2010 Women Leave a Comment
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Woman wants monogamy;

Man delights in novelty.

Love is woman’s moon and sun;

Man has other forms of fun.

Woman lives but in her Lord;

Count to ten and man is bored.

With this the gist and sum of it,

What earthly good can come of it?

Dorothy Parker

There is one way that women can ensure no man ever cheats again. And that is if all women stopped falling for the bullshit they spin when they seduce.

Now, I’m not talking about those poor women who find out after a while that their exciting new boyfriend is actually lying to them about his status (that happened to me once – and I think many women have this sad story to tell) but I am talking about those women who know that their guy is married or with another woman who does not know that he is cheating.

You know who you are ladies.

I know all about this, because I was one of these women in a dim dark past life also, and I can tell you, it is a sad and sorry state for a woman to reduce herself to being second best in any situation. (And trust me – the mistress is ALWAYS second best no matter WHAT lies you’ve been fed) However, I think the worst thing about it is the desperation a woman must feel to think that this man is her only opportunity or that he is worth the betrayal.

Because when someone is doing this to someone else (yes – I know – women do it too) they’re cheating on you as well. Just because you know that they’re sleeping with another woman / man does not mean you have “over” the partner who is in ignorance. Because you are the silly fool who is compromising your own opportunities for a caring relationship with ALL the benefits of togetherness, not just the sex.

I know this, because it happened to me, women who cheat on husbands, or who become the woman  a man can cheat with have poor self-esteem and no ability to take control of their lives. The short-lived burst of power is a fiction of the imagination. You have nothing over the wife or husband at home. You are merely a pawn being used in a game over which you have no control.

In romance novels men don’t cheat.

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Because men will blame the woman they are with for their infidelity

Published February 3, 2010 Men , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Lady, lady should you meet

One whose ways are all discreet,

One who murmurs that his wife

Is the loadstar of his life,
One who keeps assuring you

That he never was untrue,

Never loved another one…

Lady, lady, better run!

Dorothy Parker

It’s a tired old story and really we must discuss the women who fall for this one – and we will address that in another post this week.

But really, what is the deal here? The man who is currently cheating on his wife with you, not only has done it before will do it again, but he will cheat on you too, if you are unfortunate enough to end up in a relationships with him.

Now I am not necessarily a big fan of monogamy. However, if you are experiencing people outside of your relationship you MUST be with a person who is doing it too, or is totally ok with your experimenting. It needs to be discussed gentlemen – and I don’t mean with the girl you’re hitting on. I mean with the wife or girlfriend. She is the person you need to approach before you get it going for the chickie in the bar.

However, men are aware that women are very competitive, so they will actually use the girlfriend or wife to seduce the new woman. In many cases this works, and the man has not only successfully betrayed the person closets to him who has promised to be devoted and faithful to him, but he’s used her to get laid by someone else.

I’m not sure, but I think this may be the lowest you can go in “decent” society.

But some men will comfortably do this. They will use lines like “she doesn’t understand me” or “she doesn’t like sex” or “she’s a great mother but a lousy wife” to have the opportunity to sleaze around behind the back of said woman. We know that the primary person is he trying to convince here is himself, but come on. This one really has to die with the dinosaurs.

In romance novels men don’t cheat.

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Because women get hurt instead of angry

Published February 3, 2010 Women 2 Comments
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The ladies men admire, I’ve heard,

Would shudder at a wicked word.

Their candle gives a single light;

They’d rather be at home at night.

They do not keep awake till three,

Nor read erotic poetry.

They never sanction the impure,

Nor recognise an overture.

They shrink from powders and from paints

So far, I’ve had no complaints.

Dorothy Parker

Anger is good.

It is cleansing, it’s a burst of clarifying energy that gets things done, and it is of short duration.

A hurt is a wound that festers. It smolders in the brain such that every little gesture adds to it, feed it and forces it to make its presence felt years and years after the event.

Men understand anger. This is why two men can be furious with each other, have it out, and then be best mates thirty minutes later. For a man, anger is a way of dealing with something deep seeded that needs to be brought to the surface so that it no longer has a holdover you and no longer can do any damage where it is.

Women do not understand anger. If they mastered it, got a little angry (and then stopped being angry) sometimes, they may find communicating with their men a lot healthier. Instead of the brooding deep-sighed misery, they may get things dealt with fast and efficiently in a manner that brings problem to a head and then clears it up so that it goes away.

A quality of anger, however, is being clear about what it is that has upset you. If you’re not clear, if you can’t define it properly, then brooding is preferable to anger. Anger is dramatic and it begs accuracy – you’re putting yourself out there and you had better have your complaint clear. You need to prove your distress. But brooding allows you to get away with a lack of clarity and therefore lets you silently dwell till you’ve so distorted the original problem that you couldn’t declare it or stand for if you tried.

And anger isn’t that pissyness that you get when you stomp around the house for days. And it isn’t the built up frustrations of many years of relationship disappointment. It’s a burst whose intention is to take control of a situation or an action before it becomes a larger problem.

In romance novels the women get angry but the problems are very clear – like your gorgeous vampire god like boyfriend is being attacked by the Vultari or the man you’re secretly deeply attracted to keeps teasing you to go on a date with him. For women, this sort of anger is acceptable because the reasons for it have already been provided and they don’t have to justify it to anyone.

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Because men get god complexes

Published February 2, 2010 Men , Uncategorized 1 Comment
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Some men break your heart in two

Some men fawn and flatter

Some men never look at you

And that clears up the matter

Dorothy Parker

“A God complex is a non-clinical term generally used to describe an individual who consistently believes they can accomplish more than is humanly possible or that their opinion is automatically above those they may disagree with. The individual may believe he or she is above the rules of society and should be given special consideration.”  Wikipedia

Security guards, doctors, politicians, vets and road diggers are just a few of the professions that give men god complexes when performed.

A god complex is the puffed up belief that you are superior to everyone else because of the power you are wielding. Women don’t suffer from god complexes like men do. This isn’t a superiority thing – they just haven’t had enough training.

Doctors are the worst offenders and have been singled out as guilty of this behaviour. However, if any of you have had to deal with a security guard in a large shopping mall or outside a jumping night club, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

The same with the guy who has to hold the “stop” sign at a road construction site. He isn’t just telling the traffic what to do, he’s commanding the universe.

It is common to men to mistake themselves for god. This is not something that women suffer from. God, after all, is a man. All religions have ensured the most common and popular image of god is masculine.

Outside of religious belief, it is assumed that he is a man because religion is famous for its hatred of women, so it stands to reason that god is portrayed as male. This does contribute to the delusion that all men will catch themselves in at some point, which is that god is a man, and that god is he.

In romance novels men may be called gods, they may even be gods, but they never ever think of themselves as gods. Seeing as romance novels are written by women, and women would never assume any rational person would think themselves god even for a moment, men never have god complexes in romance novels – even when they’re gods.

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Because women use men to avoid the complexities of being an individual

Published February 2, 2010 Women Leave a Comment
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So silent I when Love was by

He yawned, and turned away;

But sorrow clings to my apron-strings,

I have so much to say.

Dorothy Parker

Women use men.

It’s true. The thing that men complain about endlessly that we have argued about for millennia does happen.

Women use men.

They use men to offer them a life that they are too afraid or too lazy to create for themselves.

Women believe that staying home and baring his children is enough of a trade-off for him to fulfil all their hopes and dreams – which while we’re at it, have never been properly thought out or properly articulated even to herself.

The opportunity that women are looking for when they jump into a relationship is that they will actually have a life now. The intension is that the man will give them excitement and money and fulfilment, and in exchange for this, she will be faithful and bear him children.

It was never a fair exchange and it was never a fair swap. And even though it is an idea men created to prevent their women from gaining a life and therefore being easier to be controlled, I think if you spoke to any man today about this issue, he will agree wholeheartedly and say it is TERRIFYING when a woman wants you to be their very breath and life.

It is also, of course, inappropriate and way too much to ask of any human being.

This, ladies, once and for all, is why you want to commit so fast and this is why he runs a mile as soon as you want commitment. Ask yourself why you want commitment? Is it him? Or is it an image that you have of yourself out at parties and other social gatherings showing off the ring?

In romance novels women still use men for this but the men are so exciting and so desperate to share that with someone – anyone, but preferably a woman they’re in love with – that this is not an issue that comes up. However, even in the perfect dream world of the romance novel, women paint themselves as feisty and with a full and rich life of their own. The real world may be too scary to face, but one thing is for sure, women wish they had the courage to face it.

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Because men don’t know how to let go of their past relationships

Published February 1, 2010 Men , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Every love’s the love before

In a duller dress.

That’s the measure of my lore-

Here’s m y bitterness:

Would I knew a little more,

Or very much less

Dorothy Parker

 Every woman I know asks the same question when we get together.

Why is it that my past boyfriends / husbands can’t get over the relationships and can t move on with their new love interest?

In the book High Fidelity Rob Gordon goes from door to door talking to the women in his life and asking questions about why they broke up etc.

In the film A complete history of my sexual failures, Chris Waitt goes back to all his old girlfriends and wants to know why the relationships didn’t last. In both instances, s the story progresses, you find the man did terrible things to his girlfriends, from hitting on their mothers to accusing them of frigidity because they didn’t want to have sex with them. Inevitably, this is a high source of comedy because men relate to it so strongly.

Here’s the thing. Women never do this. We say “It’s over. Let’s move on.”

 Women cry, they mourn, they do the thing that has to be done… even if it lasts longer than the relationships itself, they will do what they have to do to get the connection out of their system.

Then they move on.

That is why it is a complete mystery to a woman when a man from her past calls her and wants to have “coffee” – especially when he is in a current relationship.

Although men claim these tete – a –tete’s are perfectly innocent, I think they have a lot more to do with “territory” than anything else. One of the reasons men can sleep around so easily is misogyny teaches them that any woman they’ve slept with, they “own” or have “claimed”. For a woman, she is told that she has been “claimed” and discarded, so that is why it hurts so much for a woman. But men, leave thinking they’ve added her to the list of women he can now claim as his own.

Hence the distress when ex’s – who they’ve not shown an interest in for years – marry another man or fall pregnant to another man. It is also the reason men have convinced themselves virginity is so important. If they are the first to fuck her, she is there’s forever. They can just go out and keep sleeping with lots or women and being the most important thing in their lives. It is deeply shocking to a man when he can’t just “go back” and re visit. The deep seeded assumption being, he can always pick up where he left off.

In romance novels once a man is interested properly in a woman that is it. He does not leave. However, one of the first things that distinguish the woman he finds himself attracted to is that she obliterates the memory of all women he’s ad before her. And that is yet another reason why so many intelligent women love romance novels.

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Because women ask the wrong kinds of questions

Published February 1, 2010 Women Leave a Comment
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Because your eyes are slant and slow,

Because your hair is sweet to touch,

My heart is high again; but oh,

I doubt if this will get me much.

Dorothy Parker

 Ok. Let me lay it on the line for you ladies.

If you ask your man “would you have sex with that woman” and point to a woman walking by or close by, you are begging for trouble. For a start, he knows he’s in for it. He knows this is a loaded question and any woman who asks it is looking for an argument.

That is how you come across when you ask questions like that.

Plus, he’s in a place where his masculinity is being threatened. Don’t forget – as we have seen in earlier posts – sometimes the best way to prove you are a “man” is to piss a woman off. Better to leave him in a place where he doesn’t feel that he has to prove himself and save yourself the irritation of getting pissed off.

“Do I look fat in this” is another problem question. Save this one for your girlfriends. It’s SO the wrong thing to be asking.

Remember, the thing to go for is comfort. The dress that won’t let you exhale is a bad dress no matter how many times your boyfriend says you look hot in it. A man needs to be wowed instead. Confidence is ten times sexier than anything else and asking a man if you look good in a dress simply tells him that you lack confidence and need to fish for security. This is the kind of thing that makes him run a mile.

And here’s another one that we have visited before on this blog. Don’t ask him “What are you thinking about?”

We all know you’re hoping he’s going to say “I was wondering what our children will look like” or “I was thinking how good a new couch would look against that wall” or “I was just worrying about that guy that looked at you when we were out last night and I was hoping that you’re not attracted to him and are thinking of leaving me.”

I know those are the kinds of things you want to hear, he knows those are the kinds of things you want to hear, and no matter how wonderful your man is, or how special, how right for you or how much of a good person, he is never, ever mulling over those things. If you’re LUCKY, he’s thinking at all. But most likely he’s lost in a vague nowhere place that is not focused.

In romance novels women can ask these kinds of questions to the men they’re with because the men were written by women. Therefore when the incredibly sexy full-figured woman asks the hotter-than-hot Greek God of a boyfriend if she looks good in the dress she’s wearing, it’s probably because he bought it for her on the way home with his millions of dollars and he’s thought of nothing but how good she’s going to look in it at dinner tonight.

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Because men move in with women for the wrong reasons

Published January 31, 2010 Men , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Were you to cross the world, my dear,

To work or love or fight,

I could be calm and wistful here,

And close my eyes at night

 

It were a great and gallant pain

To be a sea apart;

But, oh, to have you down the lane

Is bitter to my heart.

Dorothy Parker

So here is the scenario.

You’re out with a guy that you’ve dated for a while. The length of time isn’t really the issue, its variable, but it is the correct length of time for a couple to be starting to get serious. You’re both settling in – you’re cooking for him a couple of nights a week then sleeping over at his place. He fixed your car and got it registered for you. He’s coming over to your place on the other nights, and you’re cooking for him at your house. He’s introduced you to his parents. You know, it’s getting serious.

Then one day, you’re out together and a cute guy glances your way, and you look back, admire him briefly, ten go back to your salad and smile sweetly at your partner.

But he looks white. Suddenly he’s in a weird mood. He’s sulking and you’re not sure why. He’s short with you and then he starts to talk about how hot the receptionist is at work. Ire rises, but you’re so in love with him, you recognise this is coming from insecurities and you show great patience. You ask again what’s wrong and again he says noting. You eat the rest of your meal in stony silence as he spends most of his time checking out the waitress.

Once you’ve left the venue, he folds completely and accuses you of looking at the guy. You say you did but what of it, men do it all the time. You fight over it for a few hours. Finally you get past the fighting and he says it must have made him uncomfortable because he loves you so much, and that is very hard to say because he is a man and men just don’t do this naturally and easily, but your astounding beauty and general loveliness has somehow miraculously turned him into a man in love.

You make love and after he says “let’s move in together.”

Before you know it you’re in the wonderful position of cooking for him every night, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, and earning your own keep contributing 50/50 to the financial upkeep of the house, and he is starting to have conversations about men not being naturally faithful and it being normal for them to want more than one woman.

How did this happen?

Because men enter the serious phase of relationships for the wrong reasons; they will move in with their women out of jealousy, marry out a fear of her leaving him or have a child to show off their virility to the guys in the pub. They don’t keep themselves properly single, “sowing wild oats” and generally living the single life till they REALLY get tired of it and know that they are ready to commit to a woman, have babies with her and grow a long happy life.

In romance novels, every man has already sown his wild oats (if he was ever one of those that needed to at all) and knows himself enough – that is, has done enough mental soul-searching all by himself – to recognise that he is mature enough and ready to commit to the complexities, difficulties and endless rewards of long-term partnership.

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